I definitely don't consider myself a ladies man but once in a blue moon, I'll catch a girl giving me the eyeball. First thing that comes to mind is that I might have a booger on my face or that I'm strange looking or that she might be confusing me for Clay Aiken. Last night, one of those moments occurred. WARNING!!!!!!The following scenario should not be mocked, copied or tried in the privacy of your own lives.
I went to the gym recently and started stretching and for some reason, I stretched for a longer time than usual. Let's call it a preventive measure. I got on a treadmill and started my usual slow jog to one the greatest workout songs of all time. Wait for it.....Rocky IV training montage! The girl next to me was walking at a fast pace and I could kind of sense she was looking at me. So I looked over and she smiled and said hi. I said hello back and maintained my pace while checking my face/nose for boogers. A small conversation ensued and then she picked up her pace. I decide to hit the increase speed button to perhaps show her that I too was a runner and of course to keep up.
HOWEVER, I ate something before i went to the gym. Something that, well, causes pressure in the abdomen. Ok, I'll cut to the chase. As I ran faster, I farted. It wasn't loud but then again, that Rocky montage was in mid to high tempo so I couldn't tell if it was audible or not. What i could tell is that she started slowing down her speed and got of her treadmill with the haste of an unmasked soldier in a gas chamber. I kept looking at her frantically, hoping, praying that it wasn't me that drove her away. Maybe she cramped or maybe she got a phone call, text or something made her stop her glorious pace! Then I noticed the old man at the end of the row also stopped running. The look on his face told me that he had been hit with something that he had never smelled in his sixty some years. He too, hopped off with the urgency.
Feeling quite shamed at this point, I kept my head straight and kept on truckin'. About ten minutes went by and another outstanding running song, "She shook me all night long" by AC/DC came on the Ipod. I picked up my pace. The Ipod came loose and flew behind me. ARGGHHH. I get off and go to pick it up and a pretty young gal picked it up for me. She hands it to me and says "Here's your...umm..Madonna." The Ipod wasn't locked and when dropped or thrown will shuffle. (Yes. I admit. There's Madonna on there. Like two songs. Sue me alright? It's not Elton John) I sheepishly said "Thanks" as she smirked and went to the furthest machine from me. I got back on the treadmill and started jogging to something more my speed Jay Z's "Girls, girls, girls". The lesson here? Don't eat anything heavy before a run and remove all Madonna songs from your Ipod. My life won't change though. I'll be running again tonight.....outdoors.
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