Moving Violations Part One

There are several things i'll write about over the lifetime of this blog.  Women, 80s movies, falconry, underwater basket weaving and naked midget thumbwrestling are a few examples.  The topic of the traffic could be a recurring theme and probably could have a blog of its own.  My fellow brother and I (Greg Law for those that didn't know we were twins) have talked about making a traffic documentary.  Something that would encapsulate the daily traffic annoyances of this greater DC, MD and VA area.  With the help of my cousin Wolf, we came up with some nicknames for certain types of driving behaviors.  For example, a "constipator" would be someone who waits until the last minute to merge in situations where two lanes are to become one thus constipating the flow of traffic.  For today's blog, I'll concentrate solely on the lost skill of using your turn signal.

The turn signal is located to the right of your steering wheel.  As you may or may not know, the steering wheel is used to steer the vehicle you are driving.  In some sheer moment of genius, automakers decided to create a turn signal light to indicate which direction a driver was going to turn.   Designed as early as 1907 and patented in 1938.  This signal or indicator as its often referred to as is also located extremely close to that steering wheel thing i mentioned earlier.  This also was by design so that you have almost no trouble sliding your hand down the steering wheel and pushing the plastic stem up or down depending on your direction.   Brilliant!  It allows you to let other drivers know where you're heading and you don't take your eyes off the road!  Sounds easy right?

IT'S NOT.   It's extremely difficult from what i'm seeing on the road and driving next to.  The difficulty is right up there with Calculus and juggling chainsaws.  Maybe they are on the phone and can't tear away from the intense discussion regarding the latest episode of Jersey Shore.  You know the one where Snooki sets her own hair on fire for attention and then eats a pickle in front of a high school football team?  Or maybe the booger they're picking takes two hands to get? Maybe I'm supposed to notice which hand they are using and that's their way of signaling a turn.  OR they think i can read their mind?!?  If I could read minds, I could have worked things out with about 12 of my ex girlfriends or would probably know what exactly was eating Gilbert Grape!      Whatever the case, the turn signal has become just another thing to hang tassles or air fresheners on.    I could go on and on but I won't.  That could take all night and there will be other parts to this ongoing series anyway.  So do me a favor.  Use your signal tomorrow.  At least once for me.  It could change your life or at least help you change lanes properly.  Orren out!

I'm in therapy...

Haha.  That brought you in to read this didn't it?   There are probably some friends of mine that wish i would get some therapy but so far none of that is occuring.  However, I've come to notice this blog writing has become a form of therapy for me.  I mean most of the time it's mere observations I take on the daily basis and hopefully describe them in a humorous fashion.  A few here and there are actually going to be a lot of venting on my part such as the "Iron Man" post or the wildly popular "Definition of a Douchebag" post.  I feel passionate about both topics and I found myself kind of relieved to get it out much like the 5 day old Chinese I ate two nights ago. 

I know that several things in life can be used to relieve stress or provide closure to issues we might be having.  Maybe since I'm busy with school, work, running (too much), guitaring (barely), women (barely), Call of Duty (not nearly enough), this blog is not only a creative outlet but also a tool to help clear my mind of all the fuzz.   Just last night I sat for an entire 10 minutes trying to recollect how I bought Fletch Lives versus the original Fletch.  Instead of pondering that thought, why not write about it here?  Or more importantly, blog about why i feel the need to buy material things that only make me happy for 90 minutes.  My point?  This blog is therapy for me.  So some blogs will be about the twinkie and some might be about how "the game" we play in matters of love is retarded and unnecessary.  I gotta get it out folks!  I hope you'll understand, appreciate and take it all in.  Unless of course, it is actually the 5 day old chinese food I ate two nights ago.  Does it make any difference if it was refrigderated?  By way of outside on my porch? 

My first crush...

I remember like it was yesterday. Her name was Stephanie...something.  She was the prettiest girl in the 3rd grade.  Even back then I aimed for the stars.  We were on the playground at Weems Elementary and I was playing Transformers with another kid.  Think his name was David?  Anyway, I was Optimus Prime and he was Megatron and we battled it out under the jungle gym.  At this age, that jungle gym seemed larger than life and somewhat like a giant castle.  At the top of this castle was Stephanie.

 She was sort of perched in a way that resembled a fair maiden looking in the distance for her knight in shining armor to rescue her from her playground prison.  As i battled David Megatron, I would sneak looks at her.  You see in my mind, Stephanie was actually watching me battle Megatron.  So right after I defeated Megatron, I climbed halfway up the jungle gym and said to her "You are the prettiest girl in the world".   She stopped gazing in the distance and looked down at me.   I smiled back.  She then took her gaze upward again and said the words that would haunt me for years.  "You stink".  Yep.  The first time i poured my heart out to a woman, she told me I smelled.  This was a crushing blow and my first real lesson about women.  This first lesson also produced my first tears over a woman.

After the crushing my crush gave me, I marched myself behind one of the brick columns of my school and cried.  However, it also taught me that you win some and you lose some.  I won the battle with Megatron but lost the battle with Stephanie. One day that will be reversed!   I just have to find Megatron..I mean David.

I love Jack. Did you know that?

I love Jack Nicholson.  The guy is my idol.  The man I would love to be someday.  It probably won't happen because for starters, I actually want to get married, have kids and have a somewhat normal life.  Secondly, I'm not an actor.  I've dabbled.  Been in a few feature films, short films, self made skits etc ( was that bragging?) but wouldn't call myself an actor let alone a successful one. 

Jack has led the life most of us guys dream of.    He's been in hundreds of movies and has won an Oscar twice.  He's not just cool.  He's an icon.  He's a ladies man.  Always has been.  The guy has dated a bevy of beauties and these are only the ones we know of.  He's what most Hollywood stallions yearn to be.  He's also the guy who goes to all the Laker games wearing sunglasses to the game, during the game and after the game. A reporter  once asked him to take off his shades for a picture.  Jack said "You're new here aren't you?"

I didn't know this until recently but Jack has been the first choice of many directors for parts in movies.  For example, he was offered Gene Hackman's role in Hoosiers, Billy Bob Thornton's role in Bad Santa and get this...Robert Redford's role in The Sting.  Nuts.  He has basically been a go to guy for a lot of flicks. The name Jack is even cool isn't it?  Think I'll name my first born Jack.  Any takers?????

Ready for a remake of Iron Man????

Alright this madness must end.  Hollywood has clearly run out of ideas.  How do i know this?  Because they are planning a remake of "Meatballs".   Yes. That's right.   Meatballs.  The cheesy 80s summer camp comedy that evolved into a franchise.  This shouldn't happen but it will.  So will Poltergeist, Red Dawn, Footloose, Conan the Barbarian, Starfighter, Total Recall, The Dirty Dozen and Back to School.  Wait a minute.  Back to School?

You can't do that.  I mean you can't!  How in the hell can you remake a movie like that?  The movie was essentially driven by Rodney Dangerfield.  You cannot duplicate that man nor the performance.  Classic fish out of water story and putting Rodney in any movie felt like a fish out of water story.  My point is that some movies are sacred and frozen in time.   They are incapable of being reproduced, revisioned, re-imagined or rebooted which has become the new phrase in movie making these days.  For a movie freak like me, its painful like having that salad fork in your if you will.  Hopefully you will accept the phrase and not my cherry but then again...never mind. It's getting late.

Now don't get me wrong.  Some movies that have been remade or rebooted have been excellent.  The new Batman franchise for example.  Rob Zombie's vision of the Halloween franchise wasn't bad either.  The A Team, I felt was a good action flick with a nice nod to the original tv series.  Adaptions have done pretty well but mostly of the comic book or novel variety.  The aforementioned Iron Man and series like Harry Potter, Narnia and the beloved (not by me)Twilight series.  Their success is a sign of things to come though unfortunately.  Just please don't touch the Goonies, the Breakfast Club, The Shining or Roadhouse.  Remake something that missed its mark or took a wrong turn somewhere in its story.  LOST for example!

The Mystery of the Douchebag....unsolved.

I went out drinking one night with the roommate and we observed one of our favorite bartenders kissing her boyfriend.  Our convo went as follows:
Big Greg "That dude is with her?". 
Little Greg   "I know right?  What a douchebag!".  
Big Greg (laughing) "What's a douchebag?" 
Little Greg   "That dude right there is!  Come on man!"
Big Greg (looking confused) "Well how is he a douchebag??"

Then it hit me.  I don't really have a working defintion of a douchebag.  I know some characteristics of one but couldn't explain it to my roomie.  It's a term a lot of us these days to kind of cover the jerk to a**hole behaviors we see on the daily.  And I realize I use it a lot.  Sometimes I even shorten it to doosh as in "what a doosh".  I mean what the hell is a douchebag?  Who is a douchebag?   I'll try to describe him but ultimately I'm open to suggestions or thoughts.   Hope I don't offend anyone and if so, I strongly suggest you fix it.  Here he goes. 

Is he the guy who wears extremely tight shirts to purposely show off the guns? .  Is he the guy who has the cheezy come on lines at bars  "Come here often?  I don't either because of my MMA fights".  Speaking of MMA, is he the guy who claims to be training for fights and his record is 0 wins, 0 losses?   Is he the guy who back door brags?  For those that don't know that one, it's when someone brags about themselves but sneaks it in the sentence. Ex:  "It's hard for me to watch football because their techniques are simplistic compared to when i played".  Is he also the guy who claims to have seen a movie but when asked his opinion on it suddenlly has loss of memory?  

The truth is I dont know!  I only know when I see the guy.  For the most part, they aren't terrible people.  They are probably insecure on some level and do or say things to compensate for that lack of security.   Someone may have called me a douchebag at some point in my life.  If so, I wish they would've told me.  So when you're out tonight, look for them.  If you feel compelled, talk to them. Coach them up.  They can't see themselves.  Only you and I can.  I'll do my part too.  Perhaps I'll start a Douchebags Anonymous group to be held at in a place with many, many mirrors.  Just hope it's not contagious. 

The Trip that i'm still on....

I used to work at a Juvenile Detention Shelter.  At this shelter, I worked with a lot of great and interesting people.  None more interesting than Mr. Chris Henninger.  From the moment he told me he loved "The Shining" and punk music, I knew we'd be brothers for life.  In January of 2002, he told me about a cross country trip he had taken.   He said you haven't lived until you've driven across the country and he told me he did it by himself.  I said "Pump yo brakes kid.  By yourself?"   He's done it twice.  So from that point forward, I decided to save all the cash I could and make this trip happen.  I was tired of my job, tired of Virginia and ready to test a certain woman's love for me.  In September 2002, I quit my job,  packed up a bunch of stuff (underwear, fruit cups, throwing stars) hopped in my Cherokee (R.I.P.) with a U.S. road map in hand.

Now this could be the part where i describe each and every last detail about the trip but that's not the kind of blog I have rolling here but i'll give you a glimpse.  The trip started in Virginia, slowed down in Jacksonville Florida (Hello Billy), sped up three weeks later and took me to California but not without giving me glimpses of Texas and Arizona by way of Arkansas and Oklahoma.  Probably forgetting something there.  California was my goal and I reached it a month and a half after my start.  Each state that I drove through, I bought a sticker to put on my car which by trip's end looked like gypsy van.  Hell I even had a beard.  The ride back, as all ride backs are, was long and unevenftul.  Only one speeding ticket which occurred in Wyoming.   Let's just it took him a while to catch up to this wily rascal!  And turns out, my legs or cleavage didn't dissuade him.  Coming back to Virginia was a sobering experience but I thought of Chris and what he said.  If I wasn't living before i did it, I surely am now.  Some would say I became a man but come on now.  This is me we're talking about here.

In truth, lots of wonderful and exciting things happened to me because of that trip.  I finally learned that Virginia wasn't the only spot on the map and that there were literally hundreds of  "Manassas" type towns out there.  I felt sad as i typed that. lol.  One stop i made on that trip eventually landed me a dream job.  Thanks to Chrys and Rich Tuttle, I met a wild man named Grubbs who got me gigs as a production assistant on major commercial projects in North Carolina.  Coke, Texaco, Husquvarna, Southwest Airlines, Nascar etc.  OH and remember that girl's love i was trying to test?  (Paragraph 1. Second to last sentence)  Well she finally realized I was gone and called me while I was in NC.  She expressed her feelings and I raced on back to VA.  Three short weeks later I found out she wasn't exactly the love of my life nor faithful.  Sort of like finding out there's a razor blade in your Halloween candy.  You think....who does this to candy corn and has a heart?  Despite its ups, downs, lefts and rights, I wouldn't change a thing and will do the same again with my beautiful wife (insert any joke here).  Well I take that back.  I would change one thing: my underwear.

Why I love Arrested Development!!!!!

First let me clarify. I am not talking about the hip hop group who spawned such hits as "Tennessee", "Mr. Wendal" and "Everyday People".  I am talking about the highly acclaimed but quickly canceled television show that was on Fox from 2003-2006.  It starred numerous characters who have shined over the years, revived Jason Bateman's career, kick started Michael Cera's career and introduced the world to Will Arnett and Portia De Rossi.  Not to mention, Ron Howard narrated it while The Fonz and even Chachi of "Happy Days" fame were in it.

The show is beyond hilarious and was ahead of its time with the handheld camera style of shooting which you see today in shows like the Office and Modern Family.  The show's two strengths are the cast and the writing.  I really can't put one over the other.  On the surface, it's a story about a riches to rags family who struggles with their financially strapped lives.  Jason Bateman's character Michael Bluth serves as the moral compass of the family and is always trying to keep the family together while trying to keep his imprisoned father's company above water.  In my opinion, the genius of the show lies in its writing and how the story is presented.  By that I mean the documentary style shooting with abrupt cutaways that highlight an element of the story like a photo of a character or sometimes a scene from a previous episode in a flashback setting.

I could seriously go on and on about this show. I could reference episodes and quote things to you but it wouldn't give it justice.  So it's quite clear.  Watch them.  I don't even think they are more than $20 bucks now.  Buy it, rent it, borrow it.   Hell I will let you borrow it.  All I ask is you let me know what you think and if you're an attractive ,cute, disease free, sweet smelling woman AND love the show, I'll marry you.  Do it.  Then we can talk about what a "Cornballer" is and no it's not that!    Up next for this blog?  A summary of my cross country trip and the man who inspired it!

31 FLAVORS..........of bacon?

For those that follow me on Facebook, you know that I was recently shopping for a GPS.  For those that don't know me on Facebook, I asked the masses for opinions on which model to buy.  I asked because when i went to do research on one, there were literally HUNDREDS to choose from.  I can sort of accept the variety since they've been out for a while and have numerous features.  Only three real brands to choose from too.  That moment got the wheels cranking and then I went to the grocery store.

I went down the potato chip aisle.  Yes I said AISLE.  An entire side of an aisle dedicated to the most popular snack since 1853 as legend has it.   Don't get me wrong. I love chips.  I always will.  My cousin and I would down a bag of original Doritos in minutes back in the 80s. In fact, we'd pull them out of my aunt's grocery bag when she walked in and crushed them before she put away the milk.  However, notice i said original Doritos.  Do you know how many brands there are now?   17.  That's my count anyway.  I understand its evolution of product, demands by the consumer and ultimately its a product geared to make money.  What I'm blabbing about is we might possibly be over saturated with choices.

I did a tour of duty at Starbucks and the light should have flicked on back then but I was too busy being a barista to notice all the blends, scones, danishes, independent artist Cd's etc.   Not too mention the menu had sub-menus.  Inevitably, a new product comes out and competition arises.   Then the original has to step up their game which means more choices, options, colors, shapes, smells.  Some even include batteries.  If you really want to marvel at something, go to Staples or Office Depot and check out the pen aisle.

Making a choice isn't overwhelming but its much more of a process than it used to be.  With more choice comes indecision.   What's funny is that I was once told that all we need is on the outer edges of the store.  The aisles?  All fluff. Guess what?  That's where the bacon is baby!   It might have a twist here and there (Try honey bacon) but you won't find an entire aisle of it.  A section or two?  Sure.  If by chance I'm wrong and there actually 31 flavors of bacon out there, you can choose 31 ways to beat me with it!   That is my random observation of the week.  Next up: Why Arrested Development is the greatest show ever!

Poop: The truth behind the smell!!!!!!

One of the funniest words in the english language is poop.  At least that's how i feel about it.  Hearing the word poop in a conversation always brings me to a chuckle and make me laugh out loud if put in certain contexts.  The bigger question is what is poop?   And where did this word come from?

One of the more informative websites regarding poop is called http://www.smellypoop.com/.  This website not only describes what exactly poop is but it also provides a history of the word poop and who knew its been around since 1900 and was originally the name for a fart!!!!!    If you feel like letting your inner child free (and if you're reading this blog, you're halfway there) check out this site.   It also includes those awesome diarrhea rhymes we all used to sing.  My favorite part of the site?  Facts about farts.  Here i thought i knew all there was to know about farts and i'm not even within smelling distance of the truth behind the fart.  Pun intended of course.  There's also a hilarious book I own and at one point I thought I was the only one who owned it or wanted to.  It's called "Everyone Poops" and yes everyone who poops has read it or owns it.  

The word poop also has one really unique feature that not a lot of words can claim.  It is a palindrome!   It's spelled the same both forward and backward.  Just like the town Kinikinik in Colorado!  Well, i hope i was able to provide a scant history of the poop.  Just remember that we all poop and that the word should bring a smile to your face.  Just the word though.  Actual poop smells terrible and is generally not known to bring happiness.  Until next time my friends!!!!!

Does length really matter?

Thanks for checking this out!  It's my first official blog entry on my own blog.  I wrote one for the CuckooLounge but i'm not sure if we'll continue that much further so with that being said, I ask you does length matter? 

Exactly how long should a blog be?   It's got to be longer than a facebook post right?  It's not twitter so i don't have a word limit.  I'm thinking in our fast paced, instantly gratified, same day delivery world that has an attention span of a Jolly Rancher, the length should be a few paragraphs with quick and decisive points of interest.  And of course, variety is the spice of life so I won't hold myself or your eyes to that.  I do promise that if you regularly read this, you'll enjoy it whether it's long, short or written in pig latin. 

So this is the first but certainly not the last.  Feel free to comment, critique, love or hate it.  You can look forward to random topics ranging from Alepecia to Zurich. I do have german heritage but may have to wikipedia that Zurich stuff.   Please enjoy and spread the word!   Adios!!!